Landing

I fell the other day. I was tired, trying to get the girls ready for camp, and hurrying. My foot slipped off my shoe and my ankle gave out. I cried out. (AH!) Then I hit my knees. Cried out again. (AH!) Then my belly! Then boobs! Then nose and forehead! (AH! AH! AH!)  Then I lay still, doing a silent inventory. Am I okay? Did I break anything? Where do I hurt?

The neighbor ran up, three kids ran out of the house. Are you okay? Did you break anything? Where do you hurt? I was fine. I was embarrassed. I had a bump on the head and a couple of bruises.

Caroline commented, "And you say I cry when I fall? You screamed loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear you!" (It was clear that indeed I would be the screaming type if ever I were tortured, not the silent stoic type as I'd previously envisioned.)

Life is like that a bit right now. It seems like I've been falling for a long, long time. I wrote it all down once, the list of things that have happened, and I felt pretty justified in the last decade of  outcries. 

But right now there is a moment. I'm taking inventory. Am I okay? Did I break anything? Where do I hurt? I think I'm done falling. I seem to have hit everything that can be hit. I'm applying my ice, blushing over my wimpiness, and tearing up a little out of shock.

But I am okay. Right now I am okay. And I'll take it.

Happy Fathers Day

Fatherhood is showing up:
driving kids to the store for a soda,
driving them to fun,
driving them to work,
encouraging worn minds and broken hearts.

Fatherhood is showing up:
changing diapers,
brushing teeth,
wiping bottoms,
tossing the baby in the air
and catching them again.

Fatherhood is showing up:
feeling blissful,
feeling exhausted,
feeling heartbroken,
giving forgiveness
and asking to be forgiven.

Fatherhood is showing up:
snuggling,
bouncing,
praying,
singing songs you did not know.
and needed to learn.


Jami Bach La Moure
Father's Day 2018

Dear World,

It's been so many years since I started this blog. My babies were babies. I had no bigs. Now I only have two littles and neither one of them is particularly little. The rest are all big-ified. SO this is going to be a Christmas letter sort of post. What's happened to my family in the last few years? Well, let me tell you.

Elaine has become Noel. Two summers ago, Noel informed me that they were gender fluid. (As it turns out, I knew next to nothing about transgender people. I've learned a lot.) Noel graduated from Berkeley last summer with a degree in psychology. They are just as funny, sweet, and kind as ever, but I see them far less than I used to because of the grown-up life thing.

Jacob just married a sweet, smart, feisty woman. They are wonderful together. He graduated from the University of California, Davis last summer, having studied physics and computer science. He and his wife are currently living with us. They are building a yurt in the backyard, so they can save up and buy property in Oregon and live off the land in their glorious, hand-made yurt.

Natalie also married this year. Her husband is a smart, charming, feisty man. She spent last year becoming an EMT. Then she decided that taking old, dying people to the hospital to die or back to their convalescence hospital to die was really depressing. So she quit and because a nanny which pays better and has more hours and suits her personality better. She is, after all, practically perfect in every way.

 

Lincoln graduated from high school. He's been going to the local junior college. He's at home, but is itching to move out in the worst possible way. A young lady from the Fresno area has his heart and the majority of his time lately.

Violet is sixteen and in high school. She's happy, sad, angry, kind, loving, a whole ball of strong emotions. She sings, all of the time. It's like having a Disney princess in the house. Her heart currently belongs to a sweet boy on the other side of town.

Caroline is manga/anime crazed. My Little Pony is a thing of the past. She now draws and draws and draws. She spends the majority of her time trying to avoid doing math. She's the only one who is still homeschooled. This picture is from our recent red party at Red Robin with all gals in the family. 

Sam is still a security guard. He got his ten year pin and a photocopied certificate of appreciation recently. He's still trumpeting his trumpet and calling us all together for scriptures and prayer. He still gives the best hugs.





I'm still me. Wonderful. Grouchy. Giving. Selfish. You know—human. 

I've spent much of the last few years pondering what it means to have spent the majority of my life giving birth and parenting with an eye toward having a large Mormon family who loved God and went on missions, got married in the temple, and raised their own Mormon families, only to realize that none of the children want to follow my plan for them—existential angst with a religious focus. I'm nowhere near done pondering, nowhere near able to summarize my feelings. 

I've been chiseling away at my hoards. Book hoard. Curriculum hoard. Art supply hoard. Puzzle hoard. Picture hoard. Paper hoard. Inherited hoard. Tough going, but making progress.

I've been visiting as many people that I love as I can. I've got a whole Facebook album dedicated to pictures of me with people I love. It's nowhere near complete. I've been very blessed with loving friends and family.

I've been learning to deal with my decreased ability to work hard, based on my rheumatoid arthritis. It's been soul-stretching, also annoying, but I'm certain it will all turn out to be an inspirational story in the end. 

Been dealing with Swiss cheese brain. I forget this. I forget that. I use their when I mean they're. I call apples oranges. I can't finish sentences sometimes. I can't filter out background noise. I start nearly all of my sentences for a whole paragraph with the word "I." It's brain fog from the RA or from the RA meds, or it could be dementia. Not sure. I'll let you know in a decade or so. (Or in the case of dementia, a family member can.)

I turned fifty and SUPER need reading glasses now. I thought I'd lost the joy in reading and then one day I put on a pair of glasses and wouldn't you know, being able to SEE really increases the pleasure of reading. 

I lost my mind doing two weddings during the holiday season. Then, in the midst of my insanity, I decided to start driving for Lyft and Uber. I've been doing that for about a month and a half now, and OH, THE STORIES! I must write the stories. Later.

Anyhow, that's what's been going on, minus most of the details. If you are actual IRL friends with me, none of this is new, but if you have merely been a blog-stalker, I thought I'd catch you up. Hope your life has been going well. 

Most sincerely,
Jami