Friday, January 23, 2009

Jerry Springer Strikes Again

Well, in an effort to improve my blog traffic I arranged for a little event yesterday. My neighbor lost his mind. Now that doesn't happen every day. Oh, come on! Doesn't that make you want to click over here just a little bit?

It was a dark and stormy morning. [Really, I'm not making that up.] As I was lying down with my baby at nap time, a huge crunch disturbed our peace. The unmistakable crumpling crunchy thud of fiberglass and metal hitting something very solid. I bolted out of bed and ran to the window. Not a thing. Moments later J came running in, "Where's the phone? A van just crashed. In front of the neighbor's house, into their tree."

How fast can a woman dial 911? Pretty darn fast. I reported the accident and ran out to see if anyone needed help. The van had hit the tree alright. Hard. But the airbag had not deployed and there was no one to be seen anywhere.

Curious and concerned, I approached the front door. Much screaming and swearing greeted me. A fight was clearly in progress. I tentatively knocked. As fools rush in where angels fear to tread, I knocked harder.

The door opened and Little T and Baby A peeked out. "Hi Jami. Where's V?" L.T. said as if there wasn't a car wrapped around their tree and lunatic raving in the living room.

"Hi dude. Is your mom here?"

M rounded the corner, calm, resolute. "Hi, Jami."

"Um, are you OK?"

"No."

"Um, I called 911. The police are coming. Do you want me to call back?"

"No."

"Would you...uh...do you think maybe the kids would like a play date?"

Long pause. "Yeah. Thanks. That's a good idea."

"Hey guys! Wanna come over and play with N and C?"

"YAY!"

So over they came. N pulled out her babysitting bag. She was totally prepared for just such a moment. Games, coloring, fun galore. As the festivities were getting under way, a different neighbor came to my door and motioned me outside.

"Jami, the police are here."

"Yeah, I know. I've got the kids."

"They have guns."

"What?" I stepped out further. The police were blocking the roads. Easily a dozen of them were setting up behind the shrubbery in the park, behind the bounce house and tree at the church across the street, on the roof of the house behind the screamer. Shields, bullhorns, and sure enough...guns.

"Oh crap. I've got to tell her." [Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.] I began walking to the screaming house. 

"WALK AWAY FROM THE HOUSE. GO BACK INTO YOUR HOUSES," bullhorned the spastic police officer.

I pondered obeying him as I continued toward the door. This was getting out of control. If I could just tell M what was going on, she could come have a chat and diffuse the situation a bit. What are they going to do: shoot me?

"LADY IN THE PURPLE DRESS! WALK AWAY FROM THE HOUSE. GET OVER HERE NOW!" Geez, he was irritating. I stopped walking.

"LADY IN THE PURPLE DRESS! STOP! GET OVER HERE NOW." Hm. Idiot. He just might shoot me.  I walked over to a calmer more intelligent looking officer. The bullhorn man's head blew off. Something about come here? Jail? Whatever. I was on a mission.

I attempted to gain permission to go over and talk to my friend. How many different ways can an officer say, "HELL NO!"?

"LADY IN THE PURPLE DRESS!  GO INSIDE YOUR HOUSE." That blasted man was at it again. "LADY IN THE PURPLE DRESS!"

I explained to the officer I was standing next to that I wasn't going to go inside, that they were blowing this event way out of proportion. And someone was going to get hurt. [Fools rush in.] The officer informed me that the man had a bow and arrow. I refrained from laughing at him. He told me to go stand back and spoke to Officer Bullhorn who then quieted down. 

I stood back and went over to the female police officer. She found a new way to say, "HELL NO!"

They put somebody new on the bullhorn. "RESIDENTS OF 555 ALPHABET STREET: PLEASE COME OUTSIDE." I suspected at the time that the residents of 555 ABC St couldn't hear him, didn't even know they were there. [This was later confirmed.] So we all went through an hour of "Please come out. No one has committed a crime. We just want to talk to you."

Eventually M came outside. I'm guessing to come see how the kids were doing.  She looked around calmly, said something quietly to the closest officers and went back inside. She came out again about a half hour later.  Whew. I felt better. 

After she finished talking to the police, I called her over. She confirmed that her husband had lost his mind, that she'd been trying to get him help, and that no one would help.  I spoke to her about her school children. I suggested that I pick them up when I got mine and go directly to McDonalds Playplace. Do not pass home, do not mention the situation. Administer french fries. The plan was approved and I went back home. 

As I was crossing the street, "LADY IN THE PURPLE DRESS! GO INSIDE YOUR HOME." Yeah, yeah. I waved and pointed at my house. I'm a goin'.

I checked in on J and N.  They were doing a great babysitting job. The little monkeys had no idea of the chaos reigning in the street. We can't hear street noises in our house. Thank God! When Little T asked what his mom and dad were doing, I told him they were working on getting the car fixed.

I changed clothes. They seemed to have something against my dress. And headed out again. I stayed in my driveway this time.

Another hour. M's father (the screamer's FIL) came out. Relief and tension warred it out within my psyche. Another half-hour of calm bullhorn coaxing. An occasional riffle twitched in the neighborhood shrubs. I began praying. (Not out loud. Do you think I'm insane?) Suddenly it occured to me that perhaps some of my friends were online and would be willing to pray. I went inside and posted a quick request on this blog and one on facebook. I went back out. Five minutes later the screamer "stood down." He came out, hands up, walking backwards. Hands on head. Hand cuffs on. The SWAT team came out of the bushes and off the roofs, and the dozen police cars began to trickle away. 

All before school got out. I confirmed with M that McDonald's was still a good idea, so she could deal with the car, the commitment papers and all that. At that I packed Little T and Baby A into the car, picked up all four of the school kids and went to the golden arches. Yet another justifiable credit card expense. We fiddled around for two hours while I blythely lied through my teeth. [Was it on purpose? I don't know. I didn't see it. Is your dad in the hospital? No. No one was hurt. Were they fighting? Hm. Where's Baby A?]

And then we went home. M took her monkeys inside and explained the whole thing to them. Poor woman. Later that night, because her day had not been quite crappy enough, Little T broke his finger while bouncing in the bounce house at the church across the street. Good times.

Oh and M's birthday is tomorrow. Right. Happy birthday.

25 comments:

My Diary said...

Holy Holy Cow, what a crazy story. I can not believe that happened. I love that you did not stop when the bull horn bellowed. Woman on a mission, dont mess with the lady in the purple dress.

Jami said...

Besides it's LAVENDER! How could I have known he was talking to me? Purple. Sheez.

Heidi Ashworth said...

I want to see you in your lavendar dress!

I'm glad you posted this but it was hard to read. I keep waiting for the day when it's my Big Guy they take away. Right now he is stable and has been for years, something for which I am intensely grateful, but you just never know. I hope your neighbor will get the help he needs and on the road to recovery very soon.

Sue said...

Wow. That's - way more exciting than my day. That poor woman. You're good people, Jami.

Melanie J said...

Man, I wish you were neighbor. But not if it meant I had to have a crazy husband. So does that mean I don't you for a neighbor.

Wait.

Oh, okay. I got it. I would like you for a neighbor and also to keep my sane husband. That works.

Annette Lyon said...

Whoa. That is all.

Meredith said...

I agree you are a good neighbor.... LADY IN THE PURPLE DRESS!

Jami said...

Yeah. It was all that. Thanks for the loves.

Wendy said...

So, if you had it to do over, would you make a different wardrobe choice? I definitely don't remember my stay-at-home-mom days being that exciting! M is very lucky to have you as her very bold, unshy neighbor!

Jami said...

Hm...maybe something aqua?

6k9z said...

Ahhh. Takes me back to North Lake Hills. Glad they didn't shoot you, with either police bullets or insane guy arrow.

Heather of the EO said...

So, pretty dull day for you then?

Wow. Those poor people. You are a brave woman! I love your attitude toward the freaking out police officer. Maybe you should take his job, you'd remain calm, cool and collected. That's important in law enforcement no?

shellie said...

LOL!!! I love dramatic moments! at least it wasn't a naked jerry springer moment :)

Jami said...

Shellie, with all the fuss about the dress let me tell you I pondered making it a NJS moment.

Heather, yeah, just a dull day in the 'hood. When do I get my grown up life? You bring up a good point. Why would they put the hothead on the bullhorn? Have they no sense?

6K9s, I have such lovely memories of North Lake Hills. I don't remember any bullhorns. Oh well, maybe a police officer or two. But overall it was a lovely place with that swan and all.

Yvil Sister said...

Jeez, J, what the flip floppin' yahoo?!!!? And I, one to not overuse anything puncuational, except, maybe, the comma....

But, I digress...

What the shaboobity!!! Bricka bracka fi-ah crack-ah, sis!! Boom Bah!!!! (Per Bugs Bunny!)

Have I sputtered incomprehensably long enough???!!!????

Holy Banana Oil, Fred! Um, as a past Police Cadet (Hitler Youth per mom, might I kindly inform you that "youre a frickin' id-jit!"

Just remember... twitchy police officers with guns dont kill people... physics kills people.... which, per said science, doesnt then suck, it either pushes or pulls, there is no such thing as sucks.... although, it could possibly blow.... hmmmm, something to research...

But I digres.... again... and again, repeatedly, ad nauseum!!

Also, you might have informed them that lavender, periwinkle, purple, and the lovely cornflower all depend (once again) on the merits of physics! You see, the angle of return on the wavelengths of light that are reflected off the fabric of said item of clothing should... hey, anyone still listening... hmmm, just like my fourth period.............. Not to mention all the freshmen in Biology trying to determine the amount of rods and cones necessary in a retina that are necessary in determining.... Ah, screw it, buy a box of frickin' crayons....

But I digress.... let me just end with this... Dumb Arse!!!!

yvil sister again said...

Hey, 6K9s... all I remember is the tornado landing in the lake.... and you making me take the baby sitting money to that lady that time and I stuck it under a bush because I didnt want to..... oh, yeah, the hampster... which is just like what happened in my science room.... which reminds me... a bullhorn is also a device of physics... it combines... what???? well, how rood!!!

April said...

Dear Purple/Lavender Dress Lady,
YOU ROCK!!!
You are an awesome neighbor and did what needed to be done for someone in need.
Hugs to You!!

The Motherboard said...

Was it a Muumuu? (why else would you wear a purple dress in the middle of the day??!)


Your days are always WAY more exciting than mine...

Jami said...

So Yvil? How do you really feel?

Thanks, April. Just so rocking doesn't turn into a stoning, I'm good.

Motherboard, thanks for the post idea. Sorry, I don't do mumu. I like T-shirt dresses a la Lands' End best.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! I can't believe I missed all the action. I've been so absent, (yet present) worrying about my fireside (which went well, btw) and trying to meet my article deadline that I've been neglecting you all.

That is the funniest/saddest story. But funny the way you tell it. You really are so dang funny. So why did he lose his mind. Why why why? Do tell.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I'm going to have to spell this out this time. I was laughing OUT LOUD, literally.

Jami said...

Untreated depression combined with alcohol seems to have been the issue, Crash.

Yes, the neighbors and I are chuckling about the officers' concern about purple dresses. And see I thought red and blue were the trouble colors. Live and learn.

Jo said...

That is so totally insane. Thank goodness the lady in the lavender dress was thinking of her neighbors and the kids! Geez. Too much excitement for me. Poor M. Poor kids. Poor husband. Being mentally ill is a tough thing.

Papa D said...

OK, late and making up for it.

Purple? Lavendar?

It was a MAN!!! Those are the same color to men.

Aqua? Is that blue or green?

Periwinkle?

Is that a color or a cartoon character?

I'm SO confused!!

Jami said...

Bullwinkle is the cartoon, dude. He's brown. Periwinkle is a flower, kind of a purplish blue. Aqua is of course a light blue-green.

Here's a link to all colors purple: http://color.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Shades_of_purple
Even a guy can understand it. ;)
One little detail though. They put periwinkle on their blue page. It's the purplish one. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Template:Shades_of_blue