Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Gospel According to V

My V interprets her lessons at church in such a lively way. A little tweak here, a little extrapolation there and viola, a tale worth telling!

Take this recent exchange:
Mom, do you know what the gift of tongues is?

What?

It's when Jesus gives us a tongue! Do you know why he gives us a tongue?

Uh...
So we can talk to him. Before he gave us a tongue, he couldn't understand us because we couldn't make our words right.

Um...

The mutilated lesson from the week before:
Look, Mom! Look! Here's a glove. See how it's DEAD! It doesn't move because its really dead. But look, Mom! If I put my hand in it, the glove is ALIVE. Because my hand is alive. Do you know why Jesus made my glove alive? So that [she places a penny upon her gloved hand and moves it forward a few inches]...so that it can pay tithing! Isn't that great, Mom?

Uh...yes, babe. That's great.

And last but not least, here's my all-time favorite V-ism, from a couple years back.
Do you have any questions about Jesus, V?

Just one. How did Jesus get us all here to Earth?

Well...daddies and mo--

I know! He gave us a ride on a spaceship! He had a cart that he drives on little wire connected to earth and the moon and the planet God lives on. So he made us on his planet and then he carried us without life and as he put us on Earth he made us alive--with his magic.

Well...um...hm. Actually I'm really sure about Heavenly Father letting daddies and mommies make babies.

With s*x?

Yes, when a daddy and a mo--

Then Jesus brings us to Earth in the cart. Right?!

I love you, sweetie.

I love you too, Mom.

6 comments:

Kristina P. said...

She is hilarious! I can just picture her excitement about Jesus and the spaceship.

Melanie J said...

Oh, man, this is funny! I like her explanations a little better than the actual ones. No, a LOT better.

mindyluwho said...

Priceless! (However when my mom told me I was priceless when I was a little girl, I thought she meant I wasn't worth anything!)

Heidi Ashworth said...

The glove one is too funny! I mean, how many of us have used that glove routine, right? I am bummed that I forgot to get a photo of you and I together eating ice cream. I could have blogged about it. I should have blogged about it anyway and used the pic of us arm wrestling. I'm sad.

Jo said...

I love her! What a vivid imagination. And she has an elegant explanation for everything!

nedivaavia said...

Wow, that is great. A spaceship is way better than a stork anyday.