Take this recent exchange:
Mom, do you know what the gift of tongues is?
It's when Jesus gives us a tongue! Do you know why he gives us a tongue?
So we can talk to him. Before he gave us a tongue, he couldn't understand us because we couldn't make our words right.
The mutilated lesson from the week before:
Look, Mom! Look! Here's a glove. See how it's DEAD! It doesn't move because its really dead. But look, Mom! If I put my hand in it, the glove is ALIVE. Because my hand is alive. Do you know why Jesus made my glove alive? So that [she places a penny upon her gloved hand and moves it forward a few inches]...so that it can pay tithing! Isn't that great, Mom?
Uh...yes, babe. That's great.
And last but not least, here's my all-time favorite V-ism, from a couple years back.
Do you have any questions about Jesus, V?
Just one. How did Jesus get us all here to Earth?
Well...daddies and mo--
I know! He gave us a ride on a spaceship! He had a cart that he drives on little wire connected to earth and the moon and the planet God lives on. So he made us on his planet and then he carried us without life and as he put us on Earth he made us alive--with his magic.
Well...um...hm. Actually I'm really sure about Heavenly Father letting daddies and mommies make babies.
Yes, when a daddy and a mo--
Then Jesus brings us to Earth in the cart. Right?!
I love you, sweetie.
I love you too, Mom.