Friday, June 20, 2008

A Time to Kill

When V was born, I bought an almond tree and planted it with great care and ceremony in the birth tree spot. The almond tree has flourished and brought forth abundantly.

However, I have yet to eat a single nut from the beloved tree. In it's third year it bore a plentiful crop; the squirrels ate every last one, as they did in the tree's fourth year. They attack before the nuts are ripe enough to harvest. Last year, I decided to tackle the issue early and I picked them all early, before the fuzzy charmers got to them. I laid them neatly out on screens where they rotted. This year the squirrels got them again. Curse their furry little hides!

Wednesday, my husband said, "Look! It's a squirrel!"

"Kill it quick!" I shouted.

"But it's cute and furry. It can be the kids' pet."

"Dude, they are eating my flippin' nuts! They need to die! If they were eating your nuts, you'd want them dead too." (Well, it's true!)

I SO need a magic wand! So I can turn this little bugger:

into this useful kitchen tool:

Lacking magic powers, I may to go for a paradigm shift. (Oh, how wonderful. The squirrels won't go hungry this year!) Yeah, right.

Does anyone know where I can hire a hire a hit on a squirrel?


Sue said...

My husband likes to kill stuff. Mostly gophers. But I think he might be willing to branch out to squirrels.

Of course, I have no idea where you live or who you are, so maybe sending my husband over to kill stuff for you is not really very practical. Bother.

Jami said...

So...your sayin' I can hire this guy from Vegas to kill my enemies, the squirrels. It sounds very tempting. Hmm...why do I feel like the FBI is going to begin monitoring my baby blog?

OK, you in the sunglasses--they are JUST squirrels.

PETA people--just kidding, I'm not killing anything. (Except for the black widows. They die. Feel free to protest.)


I'd like the idea of mounting some squirrel nuts on a plaque and setting it up next to the almond tree as a warning to other would-be nut thieves.

Maybe the plaque could say something like "I got his nuts before he got mine.'

Not that the squirrels could read it or anything.