Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Gastric Bypass

Sh! I'm going to tell you a secret: I'm fat. No one knows but you and me so try to keep it under your hat. OK?

Two weeks ago I went for a check up and weighed in at TWO HUNDRED EIGHTY POUNDS. 280. That is a whole person overweight. Granted I was fully clothed, my shoes were on, and I had my wallet in my hand. BUT STILL! 280.

So the time has come for faux surgery. Today is the day. At noon, I am undergoing an intense psychologically-deranged pretend surgery. I have a close family member and several friends who've undergone the real thing and it has worked out well for them. The thing is--surgery hurts, both in the wallet and in the gut. So I'm wimping out and going for a mental fake out. I am going to print the following picture on a size 3x t-shirt and wear it at mealtimes.

There are some anticipated side effects. First off there is the family's reaction (confusion and disbelief). There will also be mockery from my friends. Then there will be hunger, since pretending that eating more than a mouthful will explode your stomach only works in The Little Princess. (You know when she gives her food to a beggar and then imagines her remaining food is a feast. Hm, maybe if I give my extra food to a beggar...) Then there is the remote possibility that I will lose weight. I think the benefits outweigh the risks. Don't you?

I'll let you know how it goes.


Jami said...

I know you are all concerned. Just wanted to let you know that the procedure went well. It is probably the first home gastric bypass ever. I'd write it up in the medical journals, but then I'd have to get an MD first and who has the time for that. So this ground-breaking, fat-busting event will be quietly overlooked in history. I'll try to get over my disappointment.

The Normal Mormon Husband said...

Hey, thanks for the link to my blog (MormonHusbands.blogspot.com). I saw that people had been referred to my blog from yours so I thought I'd check yours out. Glad I got the "G" rating as well, I definitely keep it clean.

I couldn't help but laugh when you listed everything you were holding/wearing when you were weighed. I do the EXACT same thing. I work in a manufacturing plan and wear steel-toed shoes, so when I step on the doctor's scale I always mentally subtract 5 pounds right there.....or sometimes 15....Good luck with the at-home procedure!


claire said...

Hey Jami, read your comment on childhood obesity and weaning your toddler. You might want a second opinion (my nice way of saying your ped. is out to lunch), as all the studies have shown breastfed children to have a LOWER risk of obesity as adults (even if they were chunky babies). Can she provide you with any studies that show otherwise?

Sorry, I know you don't know me from Adam but I'm nursing a two year old literally at this moment so it's a hot topic for me. Best of luck!

Jami said...

Yeah, about the baby. I'm not too stressed. The others were cute plump babies and now they are all cute sticks just like their cute stick of a dad.

Weaning needs to happen for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I've just had fake surgery and I'm likely to be consuming ridiculously low amounts of food so my milk's likely to dry up.

My kid's doctor is my friend, someone I knew before she was our Dr. and someone who will be my friend long after we stop needing a pediatrician. She knows that I'm a serious hippy in spirit and a total breast-feeding fan. She cuts me a lot of slack. And she's one of my favorite people, ever.

Sue said...

OK, I love you. Because PRETEND gastric bypass surgery? I can totally get on board with that. Genius.

I think it might actually work. I'M WITH YA.

(I'm glad you came through the surgery o.k.)

Jami said...

Sue, I love you too! You are one of my favorite mommy bloggers!

About the pretend gastric bypass, it's working out OK. My undisclosed family member who had a real g.p. said that my recovery is going WAY faster than hers.

I keep thinking, "Wow, I could eat a sugar plantation right now, but crud, I had a pgb. I'll never be able to eat like that again."

It's been very helpful in helping the children understand why they have to stop feeding their favorite pet-mommy.


I have a secret too......I'M so fat I'm like two people for the price of one, also!

Notice you never see pictures of me on my blog? Well, that's because I'm not cute or stylish, and I have a major problem with Elvis-like sideburns that refuse to stop growing back.


We're taking my daughter out to eat for her birthday today. We're going to feast on steak at Golden Corral. I'll be wearing my stretchy elastic waist bandpants for maximum full-gut stretchability.


My blog friend, Carrot Jello discuss this kind of thing on the phone a lot. We talk about all the stuff we smuggle and hide inside our secret fat flap gut.

Jami said...

I wonder if I can hide things in my gut flap? What a thought!

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