Saturday, November 22, 2008

This Time I'm Really Going to Do It

Wednesday night I had a dream. OK, this one doesn't require a degree in psychology, but here it is: I dreamed it was New Year's Day and I was at a party. I was gorging on cookies, apologizing to one and all, lamenting my enormous size, and declaring that soon, very, very soon I'd be going on a diet.

Upon awakening, I realized the day had come. Time to bite the bullet and stop chewing the fat. Time for the diet to end all diets.

Day 1.

7 AM--Large glass of water.
{I am never going to eat again. Nothing but water!}
[You can't do that. You'll die. Your body needs protein or it will consume muscle for its needs. The heart is a muscle.]
7:05 AM--Mix unsweetened protein goo, gag it back fast. 100 calories. 20 grams of protein.
[OK, NOW nothing but water until lunch!]
{Man, look at all this zucchini. J-Teen says there's nothing to eat? I'll make him some yummy zucchini. Italian seasoning. Zucchini. Butter. Mm! WHAT!?! It does not taste gross! It's delish! EAT IT!}
7:45 AM--1 cup of sautéed zucchini
[OK, vegetables are good. But no fruit or sugar. Or starches. You can still put yourself in ketosis with a small quantity of veggies.]
8:00 AM--Grocery shopping.
8:40 AM--20 oz. Diet Coke
[Do not eat the bagels. Do not eat the bagels. Do not...OK, you can eat the apple. An apple is OK. Only 80 calories. Lots of fiber.]
8:45 AM--1 small apple
[A bagel wouldn't be that bad. They're pretty low in fats.]
{And cream cheese: a source of calcium. Not a lot of calcium. Better put it on pretty thick.}
9:15--1 bagel, 3 T cream cheese, large glass of water
10:15 am--1 bagel, 3 T cream cheese
[Oh E-Teen is giving you half a buttered bagel. How sweet! Don't offend her. She's going through a sensitive stage.]
10:45--1/2 a buttered bagel
11:00 am--a big glass of water.
12:00 am--1 bagel, 3T cream cheese
[Who are you kidding? Cream cheese is a lousy source of calcium.]
12:15 am--2 cups 100% natural, full fat cream on top maple syrup sweetened yogurt.
[Probiotics are good. You've not had any for quite a while.]
12:20 am--1/2 cup maple yogurt
2:00 pm--1 full-sized bag of Trader Joe's kettle corn
[What?! The kettle corn. That was supposed to be for...]
{Shut up! It's fiber.}
[Well, drink some water. At least you're hydrated. And the caffeine hasn't been too bad.]
2:30 pm Huge glass of water
{Man, I am stinkin' tired. I'm never going to be able to make it.}
[Whu-? Don't you dare!]
{Mind your own business.}
3:30 pm Triple-sized Pomegranate RockStar
{Antioxidants. Do not mess with me. I'll take you down.}
[Fine. Wallow in it, babe. I'm done.]
4:00 pm 1 1/2 cups pretend cookie dough
{peanut butter = protein; flour = grain; oats = whole grain}
5:00 pm 1 bagel, 3 T cream cheese, 1 large glass skim milk
{How many bagels is this? Eh, whatever.}
{Hm...I'm kind of full.}
{Geesh. My stomach hurts.}
8:00 pm 1 box of black licorice
{Real licorice is so soothing for owie stomachs. I am so glad I know about herbal heath options.}
10:00 pm 1 large glass Hot Chocolate

The thing is...I had the same dream Thursday night, only this time I was taking the cookies out of people's hands and stuffing them in my mouth. Weird, huh? Do you think it could have been the hot chocolate so close to bedtime?


Melanie J said...

I just do Weight Watchers. Then I really do eat whatever I want, only just a little bit of it. That way there's no thinking involved. Eating should not involve thinking. It should involve tasting. Lots and lots of tasting.

Sue said...

I had to have a medical exam for a life insurance policy this morning. They weighed me. It was - not good.

I must be stopped.

Heidi Ashworth said...

The only thing that has remotely worked for me (except go on a sugar free diet for 7 weeks two years ago which resulted in losing 15 pounds--the whole ketosis thing--but it was all back within 8 months) is to count calories and eat the same thing every day. I tell myself I can eat what I want but I HAVE to write it down. Finding out how many calories something is (I know all the calories of the things I eat every day) can be a big pain and when I do, it can be quite horrifying. There is something like 300 calories in just a plain bagel. Sickening, isn't it? One large apple might be more like 100 calories than 80 but it's sweet and it's just as filling AND it won't gum up your system (lots of weight is due to stuff stuck in our, er, well, you know. That white pasty stuff is a huge culprit of that). So, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. If I stick to the program I do lose the weight and keep it off (it's those wheat eating holidays that do me in every time. Right now I am just concentrating on losing the weight I am bound to gain over the holidays.)

Papa D said...

Thanks for this. I was laughing, but it was introspective, since I weigh WAY more than I did when I was completely happy with my weight.

All that has worked for me is smaller portions, much less sugar, more walking. At least I've stopped putting it on, and I've actually lost almost 20 lbs. from my peak. It has taken two years to do it, but I'm ok with a pound a month.

Jami said...

Yeah, the 15,000 calorie plan isn't working out so well.

Heidi Ashworth said...

I forgot to say how hilarious this is. I just relate too well, I guess. Funny stuff, though, funny stuff! Glad you're back. You're back, right? I mean, for good?

The Motherboard said...

What? You mean that's not a good diet? Huh. Who knew...?

Mo Mommy said...

"There's a skinny girl in me trying to get out, but I can usually shut her up with cookies"

I LOVE zucchini with butter and lemon pepper. I could eat it all day, yum.
I love food, so I eat a lot. But I finally had to cut my portion sizes for a while to let my stomach contract back down to a reasonable size. Now I still eat a lot, just less of it. That doesn't make any sense at all....
Haven't seen you lately, wanted to check in and say hey. Hope you're well

Alison Wonderland said...

That's a lot of bagels. I'm just saying...

Alison Wonderland said...

Wow, I totally didn't mean it that way, I just meant that even chewing through that many bagels gives me bagel jaw. Bagel chips on the other hand...

Jami said...

Sure, sure, Allison. (sniff) BTW, if you slice them and toast them they are much less work to eat. Besides, my jaw muscles are the only muscles in my body that are in perfect condition. Powerful in both chatter and snacking.

Mo! Lovely to see you. So not commenting for a month is what draws you over? Duly noted. I have been reading your posts, but apparently asking this dial-up to load the comment page is more than its puny self can stand.

Motherboard, sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Ray, my sister in Chicago has suggested her plan: using a salad plate and eating anything you can fit on it. But I think 30 small portions a day won't be especially effective.

Heidi, I did 5 months once clean and sober, but once I eat that first refined carb, I jump off the wagon and that's the end of that.

Sue, I feel your pain.

Melanie, I like WW, but I always run out of money before I run out of excess wieght. And I can't seem to muster the self-control of following the plan without the threat of the weekly weigh-in.