Weight, Weight, Don't Tell Me!

OK, so I'm forty pounds down. That's a lot, but 260 looks a lot like 300, so I don't have any new pictures.

For a short while I went the medically supervised weight loss route. (That'd be Ph*nt*rm!n* aka legal speed.) I felt like crap. After I took my pill in the morning, it was like I had been struck with narcolepsy. I wasn't hungry, but neither was I awake. The weight loss was swift, but not worth it.

At this point, I am just forgoing sugared foods. Since I am a compulsive overeater, with sugar and flour items topping the binge list, that action alone has been resulting in slow weight loss.

The "plan" is to add good things to my diet and eliminate things that trigger my binging or are just bad for me:

1. 'Bye sugar.
2. Buy fruits and veggies.
3. 'Bye white bread.
4. Buy whole grains.
5. 'Bye Diet Coke.
6. Buy water.

Number five may just keep moving down the list. To quote Miss Scarlett, "I won't think of it now. I can't stand it now. I'll think of it later." Today's job is no sugar and plenty of fruits and veggies. Later is a good time to ponder the rest of the list.

Uh...Happy Birthday, Mom.

So let's say your kids actually put all 60 candles on your cake plus a six candle and a zero candle and candles that spell out Happy Birthday. Then let's say lighting all those babies is taking a bit too long, so you go check on something in the other room while they finish up. Then let's say even though your kids are yelling frantically to GET BACK IN HERE, you still take your time. Then let's just say the cake was an ice cream cake. You could end up with a pillar of fire for your cake. Just saying.

(Yes, it was still edible. And no, I didn't eat any. 20 lbs down--130 to go.)

(BTW, it was my mom's bd, not mine.)

Pollyanna on Migraines

c Disney

Let's play the glad game!

Migraines are a natural appetite suppressant, and if I'm lucky enough to get to the puking stage, I don't have to count the calories of the last four or five things I ate!

Having a migraine gives me Super Powers, Super Senses, if you prefer. Everything smells so much more intense. My vision gets all fun; I really get to see things in a whole new light. And my hearing. . .oh the sensitivity! I can hear things that normally would be completely ignored. Lucky me.

With a migraine, all those pesky little have-tos just go away. I get to clear my calender of everything. How often does that happen? If I was functional, I'd have to do the dishes or laundry. I'd need to drive the kids around. Stand up. Talk to people. Open my eyes. Instead I get to lounge around all day.

Talk about things to be thankful for!

Behold My Before

I despise the traditional "before" photos of dieters, those grim faced, badly-dressed fatties standing in despair.

I refuse. I will not slouch and sulk as I announce my determination to tackle this issue. On December the seventh, I stood on the scale and stared at the little screen as it posted the news:

300.0 lbs Even

(If that's not a sign, I don't know what is. )

This is what I look like.

I have one hundred and sixty pounds to lose,

health and vitality to regain.

And I'm going to do it

for me and for my family.

I Need More

I think I may need an adjustment on my anti-depressants. I'm hoping that doubling the dosage will bring the excellent mood lift that the current dosage used to bring.



We may need to move to the half-gallon, but if that doesn't work I may have to take drastic measures to restore my equilibrium.

Just a few tidbits today.

As always, my miscellany contains some of the most insightful and fascinating tidbits to be found on the web. 

1. I took the "Which Hogwarts' House Do You Belong To?" quiz on facebook, and I'm a Hufflepuff. What?!? I'm brave. I'm smart. Hufflepuff? What a disappointment. Yeah, yeah, I make a great friend. Whatever.

2. Last weekend, I had an adventure. I went somewhere. Friday night and ALL day Saturday. Woo-hoo! The Yvil Sister and I went to Heidi Ashworth's book signing down in the East Bay. As expected, Heidi was a delight, her family and friends too. I had a fantastic time, and Yvil, the blog-hater, was a good sport.


Here's the one and only picture my sister took of the two of us. Yes, we are arm wrestling.  At Applebee's. I won. Easily. Only to be expected given my weight advantage.


3. Having closely examined the above picture, I have made a surprising discovery. I need to lose some weight. 140 is a nice even number. Roughly half of me. And yet...

My car is currently stuffed with them, all waiting to be delivered to our cookie-loving neighbors, tempting me. (Oh, how they tempt me!) I am not good with temptation. (She types, munching a Samoa/Carmel Delight.) It may be time to attempt a second fake gastric bypass.

4. Do not buy the Daisy Go Round Girl Scout cookies. You have been warned.

5. I am getting an unholy amount of money from my tax return. Hate to give TMI, but for those of you who question the socialist nature of our government, ponder this:

My husband made roughly $24,000 last year.  They took out $2,700 in federal income tax, a purposeful over-withholding. Our income tax return should be $2,700, what we paid. But no. The Earned Income Credit and the Additional Child Tax Credit are both "refundable." In other words, if the tax credits are more than the taxes owed by a family, the family receives the difference added as a freebie to their tax return. To the tune of $6,000 additional dollars in the case of our family. That's $8,700 all together.


Wow, you say? Wow, indeed. Don't get me wrong; I'll spend it. It just doesn't seem especially fair to have you all support my family in this way. Yeah, I know you like me (I am a Hufflepuff, after all), but would you hand me the money out of your family's funds? Especially if I didn't even ask. Or say thank you. Anyhow...thank you. Sorry I didn't ask. I'll try to use better manners next year.

This Time I'm Really Going to Do It

Wednesday night I had a dream. OK, this one doesn't require a degree in psychology, but here it is: I dreamed it was New Year's Day and I was at a party. I was gorging on cookies, apologizing to one and all, lamenting my enormous size, and declaring that soon, very, very soon I'd be going on a diet.

Upon awakening, I realized the day had come. Time to bite the bullet and stop chewing the fat. Time for the diet to end all diets.

Day 1.

7 AM--Large glass of water.

{I am never going to eat again. Nothing but water!}
[You can't do that. You'll die. Your body needs protein or it will consume muscle for its needs. The heart is a muscle.]

7:05 AM--Mix unsweetened protein goo, gag it back fast. 100 calories. 20 grams of protein.

[OK, NOW nothing but water until lunch!]
{Man, look at all this zucchini. J-Teen says there's nothing to eat? I'll make him some yummy zucchini. Italian seasoning. Zucchini. Butter. Mm! WHAT!?! It does not taste gross! It's delish! EAT IT!}

7:45 AM--1 cup of sautéed zucchini

[OK, vegetables are good. But no fruit or sugar. Or starches. You can still put yourself in ketosis with a small quantity of veggies.]

8:00 AM--Grocery shopping.
8:40 AM--20 oz. Diet Coke

[Do not eat the bagels. Do not eat the bagels. Do not...OK, you can eat the apple. An apple is OK. Only 80 calories. Lots of fiber.]

8:45 AM--1 small apple

[A bagel wouldn't be that bad. They're pretty low in fats.]
{And cream cheese: a source of calcium. Not a lot of calcium. Better put it on pretty thick.}

9:15--1 bagel, 3 T cream cheese, large glass of water
10:15 am--1 bagel, 3 T cream cheese

[Oh E-Teen is giving you half a buttered bagel. How sweet! Don't offend her. She's going through a sensitive stage.]

10:45--1/2 a buttered bagel
11:00 am--a big glass of water.
12:00 am--1 bagel, 3T cream cheese

[Who are you kidding? Cream cheese is a lousy source of calcium.]

12:15 am--2 cups 100% natural, full fat cream on top maple syrup sweetened yogurt.

[Probiotics are good. You've not had any for quite a while.]

12:20 am--1/2 cup maple yogurt
2:00 pm--1 full-sized bag of Trader Joe's kettle corn

[What?! The kettle corn. That was supposed to be for...]
{Shut up! It's fiber.}
[Well, drink some water. At least you're hydrated. And the caffeine hasn't been too bad.]

2:30 pm Huge glass of water

{Man, I am stinkin' tired. I'm never going to be able to make it.}
[Whu-? Don't you dare!]
{Mind your own business.}

3:30 pm Triple-sized Pomegranate RockStar

{Antioxidants. Do not mess with me. I'll take you down.}
[Fine. Wallow in it, babe. I'm done.]
{Fine.}
[Fine.]
{Whatever.}

4:00 pm 1 1/2 cups pretend cookie dough
{peanut butter = protein; flour = grain; oats = whole grain}
5:00 pm 1 bagel, 3 T cream cheese, 1 large glass skim milk

{How many bagels is this? Eh, whatever.}
{Hm...I'm kind of full.}
{Geesh. My stomach hurts.}

8:00 pm 1 box of black licorice

{Real licorice is so soothing for owie stomachs. I am so glad I know about herbal heath options.}

10:00 pm 1 large glass Hot Chocolate

The thing is...I had the same dream Thursday night, only this time I was taking the cookies out of people's hands and stuffing them in my mouth. Weird, huh? Do you think it could have been the hot chocolate so close to bedtime?

And on a lighter note...

The Hippopotamus

Behold the hippopotamus!
We laugh at how he looks to us,
And yet in moments dank and grim,
I wonder how we look to him.
Peace, peace, thou hippopotamus!
We really look all right to us,
As you no doubt delight the eye
Of other hippopotami.

Ogden Nash

[My older kids and I used to recite this to the hippo at our zoo every time we visited. Great fun! Sadly, our hippo moved away and the younger children have not had similar opportunities.]

The Gastric Bypass

Sh! I'm going to tell you a secret: I'm fat. No one knows but you and me so try to keep it under your hat. OK?

Two weeks ago I went for a check up and weighed in at TWO HUNDRED EIGHTY POUNDS. 280. That is a whole person overweight. Granted I was fully clothed, my shoes were on, and I had my wallet in my hand. BUT STILL! 280.

So the time has come for faux surgery. Today is the day. At noon, I am undergoing an intense psychologically-deranged pretend surgery. I have a close family member and several friends who've undergone the real thing and it has worked out well for them. The thing is--surgery hurts, both in the wallet and in the gut. So I'm wimping out and going for a mental fake out. I am going to print the following picture on a size 3x t-shirt and wear it at mealtimes.

There are some anticipated side effects. First off there is the family's reaction (confusion and disbelief). There will also be mockery from my friends. Then there will be hunger, since pretending that eating more than a mouthful will explode your stomach only works in The Little Princess. (You know when she gives her food to a beggar and then imagines her remaining food is a feast. Hm, maybe if I give my extra food to a beggar...) Then there is the remote possibility that I will lose weight. I think the benefits outweigh the risks. Don't you?

I'll let you know how it goes.